Thanksgiving: Heathen Conspiracy

Thanksgiving: Heathen Conspiracy

We all know the story behind Thanksgiving.  At least we think we do.  It exists because the Native Americans provided the Pilgrims with enough turkey and corn to not die.  There’s more to it, though.  One little known fact is that in addition to basic “not dying” skills, the Native Americans also taught the Pilgrims how to create crude turkey drawings by tracing their hands with crayons.  These hand-turkeys were then stabbed repeatedly, like Hollywood voodoo dolls, in order to ensure a bountiful turkey hunt.

Though the dark mysteries of hand-turkey sorcery are unique to this New World celebration, Thanksgiving  harkens back to a number of older European “thank-fucking-god-we-have-enough-food-to-not-die-this-winter” celebrations.

Like a lot of shady European feasts, there’s a conspicuous bit of heathen astrology surrounding the date of Thanksgiving.  First of all, Thanksgiving always occurs during the first week that the Sun is in Sagittarius.  Which is interesting, because Sagittarius’ is regularly considered a sign of celebration and excess.

Furthermore, Thanksgiving is always held on a Thursday, the 4th Thursday of November, to be precise.  What’s interesting about that?  Well, there is a tradition of attributing each day of the week to the Sun, Moon and the 5 visible planets.  This method stretches back into the dusty battlefields of antiquity and is still encoded in the words we use for the days of the week.  Why do think its called Sunday, dummy?  And why do you think Easter is always on a Sunday?  Maybe because Jesus is a solar myth, and his resurrection represents the Sun’s triumph during the Spring season?   Maybe, hmm?

Anyway, In this system, Thursday is given to Jupiter.  The etymology of how Thursday refers to Jupiter is Germanic, and is based upon the fact that  Jupiter and Thor are both awesome male skygods who smash things that they dislike and make sweet love to what pleases them.  Anyway, Jupiter’s proper sphere is generosity, abundance and gratitude.  Like the gratitude you would feel if Thor made sweet love to you.  And that’s the kind of gratitude that people are supposed to feel on Thanksgiving.

Furthermore, it’s interesting that American Thanksgiving must fall on the 4th Thursday in November.  The number “4” has long been associated with Jupiter.  Magic squares of Jupiter are 4×4 and the 4th sphere on the Tree of Life, Chesed, is identified with Jupiter.

So, Sagittarian revelry and Jupiterian abundance and gratitude.  Jupiter is actually considered the ruling planet of Sagittarius, implying that abundance and gratitude are, in fact, the basis of revelry.   So…we have a supposedly secular holiday, of an overtly Jupiterian nature, occurring on Jupiter’s day of the week, and just as the Sun enters a Jupiter-ruled sign.  I don’t buy it.  This is the kind of precise calendrical placement only star-gazing heathens use.  Thanksgiving is clearly a-

SECRET PAGAN HOLIDAY!

TAKE UP THE ARMOR OF CHRIST, BRAVE SOLDIERS OF GOD!

PURGE THE TURKEY-IDOLATERS FROM THE TEMPLE OF AMERICA!

STRIKE DOWN THE GRAVY EATERS!

SMITE THE STUFFING TASTERS!  SMASH THE MASH POTATO LOVERS!

TO ARMS! TO ARMS! TO ARMS!

Austin Coppock is a writer, esotericist and astrologer based in Ashland, OR. He published paperback Almanacs from 2011-15 but began posting his prognostications online last year, referring to his collection of weekly, monthly, yearly essays and daily delineations as “The Online Almanac”. This work is made possible by his supporters on Patreon. Austin was President of the non-profit organization “Association for Young Astrologers” from 2012-2016. His most recent book is “36 Faces: The History, Astrology and Magic of the Decans”, published by Three Hands Press.

28 Comments

  1. Cheryl 11 years ago

    Thanks for the hilarious historical look.
    Big Love, Happy Jupiter Day!

  2. Fin Lives 11 years ago

    Ummm… Thorkey.

  3. Nicky Boom Boom 11 years ago

    No paladin can resist the temptations of a savory T-Day spread. It’s far too sacrelicious.

  4. Kenny Doll 11 years ago

    Jesus tittyfucking Christ I cannot stop laughing.

  5. Miss Mindy 11 years ago

    Very informative 🙂

    May Thor not strike me down whilst I travel during thanksgiving and enjoy it instead…

  6. Ann Gonzales 11 years ago

    lol! can’t stop laughing! i’ve been one of ur fans and been checking ur site for quite sometime now. i love ur forecasts.

  7. Lyz M 11 years ago

    Thanks for the best laugh I’ve had in a week. Slay a Pagan, save a Turkey!

  8. beth 11 years ago

    tee hee, thanks! I suddenly like Thanksgiving much better now with the knowlege that it’s just the best calander day to party down…just wondering did the Baron draw the turkey hisself…cute

  9. Baroness 11 years ago

    Clearly you’ve been bitten by Mercury in Sagittarius.

    Very enjoyable read!

  10. Kira 11 years ago

    bwahahahaha! *evil witches laugh* Secret Pagan Holiday indeed!

    ps

    rotfl @ “thorkey”

    Props!

  11. Nibimahigan 11 years ago

    Nice..more information about my family bloodline.. But sweety voodoo can be used for good or bad.. dolls can assist in healing someone and on the down side for evil to harm..
    there a tibit for yeah.

  12. BSVCPHD 11 years ago

    Re: Nibimahigan

    The bit about voodoo wasn’t an attempt to make its mechanics clear. It was a joke. That said, stabbing a doll that’s linked to someone is not a form of assistance, unless we’re talking about assisted suicide.
    Regardless, thanks for being unnecessarily condescending.

    -B

  13. Solomon Ryan 11 years ago

    I have been stabbing-the-hand-turkey all day.

    I think a holiday to celebrate the Native Americans teaching the Pilgrims how to stab-the-hand-turkey is most warranted. I mean, they were notoriously uptight.

  14. Amaris 11 years ago

    Man, you are gifted with wit and humour…I laught out loud every time I read your wise words…merci, merci…. ha ha

  15. Queen Rulah 11 years ago

    I was born Thursday, November 25, 1976 on Thanksgiving day :0)

  16. Frau Boese 10 years ago

    “Thanksgiving is always held on a Thursday, the 4th Thursday of November, ”

    Are you sure about November?

  17. Xroadsconsultations 10 years ago

    Yes. The American holiday, which is the subject of this article, is held on the 4th Thursday of November.

  18. Frau Boese 10 years ago

    O.K. thanks a lot… I like the article anyway… I was rofl with this > European “thank-fucking-god-we-have-enough-food-to-not-die-this-winter” celebrations

  19. Ari 10 years ago

    this is fucking hilarious!

  20. Elmo 10 years ago

    I adore you.

  21. more-organs 10 years ago

    if I could draw a turkey’s heart in this box to show you how I felt about this read I would….

  22. Jennie Rubbo 10 years ago

    “Jupiter and Thor are both awesome male skygods who smash things that they dislike and make sweet love to what pleases them.” …sounds like a good time!

  23. Deborah Knowles 10 years ago

    Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die.

  24. dharma 10 years ago

    this is all quite true, and i appreciate you bringing it to light for the endarkened masses. i think you might have lost your train of thought, because i thought you were heading there in the beginning, when you said: ‘Thanksgiving is always held on a Thursday, the 4th Thursday of November, to be precise. What’s interesting about that?’ i expected you to go qabalistic on the #4 jupiterian sphere…..i’m guessing you got so hot and bothered thinking about getting sweaty with Thor and reveling that you just spaced it, so i thought i’d toss it in down here.

    • Author
      Austin 10 years ago

      Chesed, 4, Jupiter? Totally. I was a bit hyper focused on the implications of T-Day happening on Jupiter’s day in the first week of the Sun’s presence in a Jupiter ruled sign, but you’re completely correct.

    • Shaun Buehler 10 years ago

      Chesed…from the pan of merit …would this pan happen to be made of tinfoil? This whole damned holiday is Qabballistic, shut up brain!

  25. The proper Christian thing to do is celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving. There are no astrological omens about the second Monday in October.

    Or are there?

  26. Tony 10 years ago

    Austin you are my hero.

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Thanksgiving: Heathen Conspiracy

 
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