Note: These are deeply and profoundly cruel. You probably shouldn’t read your own. Instead, read the horoscope of an ex- you despise.
Aries: You’re Invincible!
Relationships? Pfff. You don’t need nobody for nothin! You’re so independent and awesome that if you were in a relationship with someone, it would totally be as a favor. Or not. You consistently crash and burn when your inflated expectations smash into reality’s brick wall. Yet, somehow, you keep waking up in bed, magically bandaged and ready to get back to the battlefield. But its not magic. It’s the people close to you who patch you up when you’ve done it again. You won’t lose people’s love or admiration if you drop the tough guy/girl act, you’ll earn it.
You are not being used. And if you are, it’s probably your own goddamn fault. If the only value you have is superficial, don’t be surprised if that’s what people go for.
Gemini: The Least Spectacular Show On Earth
You are not that interesting, nor are your thoughts that important. I know that you are interested in getting to know yourself better, but that’s because you are a shattered mirror of a real human being, and hope that by gazing at yourself in every jagged fragment you will someday regain wholeness. As intriguing as your damage-odyssey may be to you, it bores the shit out of your loved and liked ones alike. Try speaking to the people in your life like they’re something other than an audience for your inner drama.
Cancer: No Use Crying Over Poured Milk
You have a dream of being able to pour yourself endlessly into another person, a beautiful, boundary-less and emotionally secure utopia. This wet dream, however, leaves no place for any independence or identity from the relationship. This romanticized escapism and premature mysticism creates a prison for anyone foolish enough to be in a relationship with you. Wanting a little space doesn’t mean that they don’t care. It means that they are normal, healthy, and sane, and want to stay that way.
Leo: The Heart’s Crematorium
You can be a gentle, centered light, beaming warmth into all those around you. You can also be a hungry bonfire of vanity, out of control and burning everyone who gets close to you. Unable to meet your own oppressive ego needs, those close to you often get tossed into the furnace to feed your self-image. Remember to pour a little bit of that 40 oz on the ground for those who’ve sacrificed themselves to your self-importance.
Virgo: Ah, Perfection
Like a well oiled android, you perform your duties admirably. Yet how often your selfless acts of service become belittling guilt-trips. Favors become razor cuts, slowly draining the life blood from the partnership until your partner is just as lifeless, perfect and pose-able as a mannequin. Or yourself! There’s more to love than doing the dishes for someone.
Some call you the perfect partner, others, a co-dependent weakling. You don’t always get attached to one person, and may even spend periods of time alone, but you’re rarely able to function effectively without someone else to define you. You romanticize your psychological dependence on people in order to justify dysfunctional relationships. You try to make your partners feel special when really, they’re just place-holders, occupying the place where an identity should be.
Scorpio: Gross Injustice
Your presence bribes people with the promise of the hot, dirty coiling of flesh and energy. You can give up to the moment, for a moment, but the rest of the time you focus maniacally on controlling the emotional exchange. Your preferred formula goes something like this; you inject them with raw emotional sewage, and then suck out what little happiness they have left. You get their good, they get your bad. It all comes back to the deep, fear based, inequality at the bottom of virtually all of your relationships with people.
Sagittarius: Theoretical Problems in Astrology
Relationships, you? Sag, how did you get into this column? Shouldn’t you be off chasin’ tail? Supposing its possible for you to be in a serious relationship, there would be problems. You would probably ignore the person before and after sexy-time. You would probably also have a hard time seeing the relationship from any perspective but your own idealized, myopic one. Your fictional vision of what your partner should be would probably completely obscure your view of who they actually were. Your partner would also probably also suffer greatly at the expense of your effortless narcissism and impossible self-image. Hypothetically speaking, that is.
Capricorn: After 5000 Years, I’m FREE!
You’re wonderful. Well, at first. You’re on your best behavior until you’ve gotten to the commitment phase. Then the seal is broken, and the ancient demon is released from its terrible prison. This demon is intent on creating misery. It doesn’t seem to care whether its you or the other person that’s miserable, as long as somebody’s helpless and in pain. Show the person you’re close to a fraction of the respect you’d show your boss, and keep the devil on a leash.
Aquarius: Blah Blah Blah
You’re smart. Well, you think a lot. Regardless, you somehow seem to be able to fit every event in a relationship into a gigantic over-arching super-structure of explanations and rationalizations. It all makes sense to you. And it better make sense to your loved ones in exactly the same way. Either that, or they’re in for long, boring tirades where you “explain” the relationship.
Pisces: Poor You!
You’re great at relationships. It is just by COMPLETE COINCIDENCE that everyone that you’re in a relationship with isn’t. Don’t change. There’s nothing wrong with you except your “luck.” And that’s not your fault, is it?
Originally published in 2007, revised 2012.